Being a hermit sounds like a good plan. I don't deserve to interact with people.

I care way too much of what others think, and not enough about what or who I want. Fuck having insecurities and everything in between.
 

I really should stop making all my posts late at night. I think the last time I made an early post was April 27th. Whatever.

Anyways, moving to Long Island was a really good idea. It's good to be independent and do things for myself. I've been finding these odd jobs which are a bit weird, but at the same time, I think I enjoy it a lot. One of the best days I've had was acting as some guys mom, and then sitting in Union Square drawing people as they ate their lunches. I had brief chats with the people who sat next to me and looked at what I was drawing. I really enjoy the random encounters, it's great because there is no commitment attached.

I'm really tired. I should stop sleeping when the sun starts to rise.

I went to Ohio this weekend, it was really fun. Hanging out with the punks and camping in the "woods" has a lot of stories involved. Maybe I'll draw some shitty comic about it. Best part was calling Brian and chatting it with him, and then a few hours later, meeting this kid who looked like Brian. Oh wow, crazy coincidences. Also, greatest part of the punks, skinny dipping drunk girls and guys. They're so funny, and we all know that all of them are wicked cute. So many penis and breast's everywhere. Kind of made me wish I brought a camera, I could have came out with some very Nan Goldin inspired photography.

I guess the only downfalls of the Ohio road trip was having the car break down 40 minutes from getting to Berea, the lack of sleep, and my own personal insecurities. The weekend trip made me realize that I'm not really into demanding relationship, platonic and/or romantic, or any kind of commitment. I just don't want to be tied down to one single area, or anyone. I just want to fuck around and have nobody care what I do. I want to be able to be responsible for myself. I don't want anybody to think that they need to protect me and anything like that.

I don't even want to go back to college. But I will, because I want to learn. I just don't want to deal with people.

Boot's pup is lying on my back, it rules. I think me and the pup are going to end up cuddling tonight.

I saw Jupiter, it was beautiful.
I saw Saturn, it had ears.
I saw the leftover debris of a star explosion.

After tonight's excursion I just want to go and watch a symphony play on the green. Underneath the blanket of the night sky. It would rule, this will happen.

I've decided the day I turn 18, I'm going to apply for every single job available at Westfarms Mall. They are bound to hire me, if not, I think I might die.

I like "Ruined Lives" by Transistor Transistor. It's really good, I've been listening to them more recently. That is all I have to say because me listening to them sparked my interest to make a commentary about it.

I need a job. I hate how money is important, but, I need to make more puppets. And screen shirts. And buy film. And bread.

I just tried to spell paper like this: ppaer. The sad thing is that I'm not even tired, I'm just so out of it now. It's weird. Summer is technically here, but it doesn't feel like summer sometimes. But I really like summer, the summer night sky is the best.

I want to hibernate. Like a polar bear.

I should really get to sleep, I have to go to work in the morning. Except it's not real work, it's like the test run of to see if I'm capable of working. I can't do this. This is like a standardized test, I'm going to panic, hyperventilate, and get sweaty pits. And nobody wants sweaty pits. Nobody.

I like lists, I like making them. So I'm going to make one right now. I'm calling this one the "Summer 2008 Wishful Thinking"list. Basically like a resolution list, but summer. Here goes:

-Find a job
-Find the passion I once had for photography
-Find myself
-Dress better
-Don't die of cardiac arrest

I think it's a good list. Hopefully it all goes well. I really should get some sleep, maybe some tea to calm the neurons racing in my brain.

Adam Eisler wanted to hang out with me tonight. I was not into it. I think he's making an effort to talk to me again, but right now I'm just not for it.

I guess I've changed throughout the year. But I know of his reputation now, and I just don't want to get caught into it.

I've been ignoring somebody. It's awkward. But I just feel shot down. I should just man up and stop making excuses. Fuck my life.

I want school to be done.
I want finals to be done.
I want to be done.

I can't believe Glennska beat me to getting laid. This is depressing. Almost as depressing as Greg calling me fat today. I am a bloated chunky elephant. This is upsetting. I am upset.

I am also so tired, but my tiredness does not even come close to the amount of work I have.
asdfghjkl;

I'm going to collect coke tops this summer so I can use mycokerewards to get a new telescope. This is the only thing to look up to. That and seeing Torche in Montreal.

Today I walked back and forth from one end of campus to the other. It sucked, it was not that nice. It was hot as balls. The university sucks, who doesn't accept cash? Seriously. And who carries around checks with them.

I just ate for the first time in like a billion hours. Never haven instant noodles tasted so good.

I spend so much time on these projects, what's sad is that I'm going to get SEAS. Fuck. While spending hours upon hours doing my mustache project I thought about how much easier it would be if I just cut off one of my hands with a paper cutter. And then stabbed myself with the Exacto knife. And then had the giant television that was in the pit fall on top of me crushing me to death.

I need more than 2-3 hours of sleep a night. No. The day needs to be 30 hours long, so I can fit in sleep and all the other stuff I have to do. It wouldn't be that hard to make 30 hour days, we just need to shift the Earth's orbit.

All these entries are negative. I am being a Negative Nancy. I want a hug.

Karma must be pissed off at me, because nothing is going right. I spent so much time working on my final project for my class. LOTS of time spent on InDesign, tons. Then the printer decides not to work. Fuck. I still have to read tons of pages of Locke. TONS, like 20+.

On top of that, I fucked up. Fucked up so many shit in my life. I can't fix things because I am what my father calls, a failure.

Asphyxiation looks sweet right about now.

I have to see a nutritionist, apparently I'm anemic. It's all my fault too, I just never have an appetite to eat any of the food here. I should just take iron pills, then I won't be anemic.

There's three weeks left of school. Thank Jesus. But then I have to go live at home. Damn. Maybe I'll just go to Portland and live with Phoenix in the redwood trees. What the fudgepackers am I talking about, there's no way I'll make it to Oregon.

Edit, Aug 2009; This post is silly.

I want to go to Montreal now.
I want to backpack through South America within the year.
I need to spend half a year in Isreal or Ethopia before I'm 21.

I am really tired.
I should probably go see a psychologist.
I'm losing all my friends.

I'm miserable

( hi )

I keep trying to upload my pictures from my vacation to China, but I lose interest 10 minutes in. It's taking me forever, so I'm just not going to upload anymore.

Anyways heres the key points:
-Went from Hartford to Minnesota
-Minnesota to Tokyo
-Tokyo to Shanghai
-Stayed in Shanghai for a few days, went to some "malls" there
-Shanghai to Chongqing (hometown)
-Saw family first day
-Got sick
-Ended up in hospital
-pumped mad iv drugs for 36 hours
-went back to uncles apartment and stayed in bed for a week
-hung out
-Chongqing to Shanghai
-Hung out in Shanghai again
-Went home

( details/pictures here )

done!

I like burning bridges, who the fuck needs friends anyways.

I've come to a bittersweet realization. The majority of people I know in Rocky Hill, means nothing to me. There are like 3 people I only care about in that town. Everyone else in that town has only tolerated me, and never really accepted me. I'm totally okay with that though. I understand why nobody really liked me.

The college update is long overdue. I started freshman year of college more than a week ago. Anyways, UCONN is very big yet small at the same time. There is tons of people but for me, I'm staying in a small group. I like the people I hang out with a lot, they're fun, but at the same time I wish I could branch out more and be more social. I'm not a social person, I'm just really awkward.

I like my classes, they're fun but at the same time they're challenging. We're reading "Ghost World" for my english 111 class, which is pretty fan-freaking tastic. But first, we're reading "The Invisible Man" which is also good. I'm going to go sit in a tree later and read, it seems like something hip to do. Well hip for me. My art classes are interesting, one of my professors is this adorable man who reminds me of the father in prince of egypt. He is so adorable. My drawing and studio concepts teacher is crazy in a good way. Classes are good, I've been studying and doing my homework a lot. It's weird because in high school where everything was structured for us, I never put any effort, but now, I'm working hard, doing my work, and managing my time. Crazy!

The biggest thing that sucks here is the music scene. Honestly, it seems like the only person who listens to the same stuff that I do is Derek. But thats all the generic music like BTMI/ASOB stuff. Nobody here likes the indie/electronic stuff like Age of Rockets or Chromeo. Whatever, I gotta deal.

Thats it for now, more later? Possibly? Maybe?

Everything feels like its changing. Maybe its because I'm opening a new chapter in my life with college and everything. Honestly, I feel like I've lost touch with everyone, and the sad part is that I really don't care. I haven't really seen anyone from my town. I ran into Sandie and Rachel when I was getting towels, and it was like "hey...I really didn't expect to see you ever again." To be honest, I don't really want to see anybody in my town again, which is kind of sad.

My last day of work at Grynn&Barrett was Tuesday. I'm really going to miss a lot of the people there. They were fun, and I enjoyed the job. It was easy, good pay, and the people always made me laugh.

I start college soon. I move in this Friday to be exact. Everyone around me is excited, I'm mediocre. I'm afraid that I'm going to be awkward and not make friends. I think thats just my anxiety kicking in. I need to find a way to control my anxiety, so I don't have panic attacks when I'm put under pressure. There's lots of things about myself that needs to be fix.

Time to listen to Stars on repeat.

This journal is going to be public. This way I can update my life to anyone who cares, duh.

Actually, I think because I'm entering a new chapter of my life, a public journal would be good. I want to be in the art industry, and thats all about networking and being open. So a public journal seems like the best idea, no secrets and all that stuff. What ever typed is real and raw. Am I right?

I'm done for now!
<3s